Their cage is our cage, too.
The internet is conspiring to tell me something today, or rather, to remind me of a topic I revisit from time to time.
This morning, Patheos.com had not one, but two commentaries on something written by a conservative Christian blogger calling herself "The Transformed Wife," and claiming that "Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos." One of the responses began, "My poor husband will be shocked to hear this..." and tried to refute the claim point-by-point. The other took the argument to another level, saying, "Since when is being a Christian woman about making yourself pleasing to men? Are we as Christians supposed to conform ourselves to men? Or are we supposed to conform ourselves to the Lord?"
I found myself flashing back to my marriage, where my ex-wife spent a great deal of time trying to make herself into a "good Christian wife" who would appeal to a "good Christian husband." The fact that I hadn't been looking for a "good Christian wife" was irrelevant, as was the fact that I'd never aspired to be a "good Christian husband." That was the expectation, and it caused no end of trouble.
Then at lunchtime, I found this excerpt from the new book, The Marginalized Majority: Claiming Our Power in a Post-Truth America, which I think I just might have to pick up. Being a straight, white man, I am not so marginalized - or am I? Here's how the excerpt starts:
"Like most Americans, I was raised to be a white man: I read William Faulkner and Ernest Hemingway. I read F. Scott Fitzgerald and Charles Bukowski. I came to identify with the emotionally disengaged characters, the staccato sentences, the irreverent dirty old man voice. The books I read asked me to imagine the power I might have. I got women pregnant and then worried that they wouldn’t get an abortion, tying me down forever when all I wanted to do was continue experiencing my freedom. I wrote poems about the absurdity of writing poems, enjoying the decadence of imagining my readers drinking in my disregard for them. Being likeable, explaining oneself to others, were not prerequisites of protagonism. I watched women move—their hips in dresses, their lips on glasses, their breasts heaving. All of it offered up to me, to enjoy, to consume."
Who are these white men she's writing about? They sure don't sound like me.
If I was in my teens or twenties these days, I'd be more than just an observer when it comes to all these new gender and sexual identities. It's quite likely I'd be thinking about defining myself as somewhere in the "aroace" neighborhood. As it is, I figure that so few people my age would understand what I was talking about, it's not worth the bother of calling attention to myself that way. But the fact remains that I am not the typical MAN some might expect me to be. Even now, I still find myself bumping up against those expectations in my own head, and it can be annoying.
Am I a marginalized minority? No, of course not. But I can relate to some of what the marginalized are feeling, even if it may be just a little bit. And I can certainly sympathize with their cause.
No one is free unless everyone is free. Conversely, putting some people in a cage puts everyone in a cage. If society holds some people to certain expectations, then everyone else will inevitably be held to expectations too. They have to be, otherwise it creates a vacuum, gaps in the social fabric that need to be filled.
I wonder how many of these manly men at the top ever look at themselves in the mirror and wonder what the heck they're doing. I wonder how many of the "incels" and other misogynists wreaking havoc in our real and virtual worlds are frustrated because they're not the manly men they think they're supposed to be. And I wonder how many of them would walk out of their cages, even if someone opened the door for them.
Probably way too few.
This morning, Patheos.com had not one, but two commentaries on something written by a conservative Christian blogger calling herself "The Transformed Wife," and claiming that "Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos." One of the responses began, "My poor husband will be shocked to hear this..." and tried to refute the claim point-by-point. The other took the argument to another level, saying, "Since when is being a Christian woman about making yourself pleasing to men? Are we as Christians supposed to conform ourselves to men? Or are we supposed to conform ourselves to the Lord?"
I found myself flashing back to my marriage, where my ex-wife spent a great deal of time trying to make herself into a "good Christian wife" who would appeal to a "good Christian husband." The fact that I hadn't been looking for a "good Christian wife" was irrelevant, as was the fact that I'd never aspired to be a "good Christian husband." That was the expectation, and it caused no end of trouble.
Then at lunchtime, I found this excerpt from the new book, The Marginalized Majority: Claiming Our Power in a Post-Truth America, which I think I just might have to pick up. Being a straight, white man, I am not so marginalized - or am I? Here's how the excerpt starts:
"Like most Americans, I was raised to be a white man: I read William Faulkner and Ernest Hemingway. I read F. Scott Fitzgerald and Charles Bukowski. I came to identify with the emotionally disengaged characters, the staccato sentences, the irreverent dirty old man voice. The books I read asked me to imagine the power I might have. I got women pregnant and then worried that they wouldn’t get an abortion, tying me down forever when all I wanted to do was continue experiencing my freedom. I wrote poems about the absurdity of writing poems, enjoying the decadence of imagining my readers drinking in my disregard for them. Being likeable, explaining oneself to others, were not prerequisites of protagonism. I watched women move—their hips in dresses, their lips on glasses, their breasts heaving. All of it offered up to me, to enjoy, to consume."
Who are these white men she's writing about? They sure don't sound like me.
If I was in my teens or twenties these days, I'd be more than just an observer when it comes to all these new gender and sexual identities. It's quite likely I'd be thinking about defining myself as somewhere in the "aroace" neighborhood. As it is, I figure that so few people my age would understand what I was talking about, it's not worth the bother of calling attention to myself that way. But the fact remains that I am not the typical MAN some might expect me to be. Even now, I still find myself bumping up against those expectations in my own head, and it can be annoying.
Am I a marginalized minority? No, of course not. But I can relate to some of what the marginalized are feeling, even if it may be just a little bit. And I can certainly sympathize with their cause.
No one is free unless everyone is free. Conversely, putting some people in a cage puts everyone in a cage. If society holds some people to certain expectations, then everyone else will inevitably be held to expectations too. They have to be, otherwise it creates a vacuum, gaps in the social fabric that need to be filled.
I wonder how many of these manly men at the top ever look at themselves in the mirror and wonder what the heck they're doing. I wonder how many of the "incels" and other misogynists wreaking havoc in our real and virtual worlds are frustrated because they're not the manly men they think they're supposed to be. And I wonder how many of them would walk out of their cages, even if someone opened the door for them.
Probably way too few.
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